One Step at a Time

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Nelson Mandella

I have spent the past few days feeling really resentful; angry. I have hidden in my house and nursed my wounds quietly--lost in my own world of despair. It's fairly miserable.

I chose to marry a rather controversial figure. He is much like a bull in a china closet--stepping in headlong and speaking loudly without always thinking about how others may interpret his words or intentions. But he has such a good heart and despite his obnoxious ways at times, he means well and has a deep loves for kids. Two of my kids are much like their dad and so, between the three of them, my protective armor is often triggered.

It's tricky--this road of feeling so protective and wanting everyone to see what I see.

On Fridays, I show an inspirational video to my freshmen and it's their favorite part of the week. In fact, I don't dare try to skip it or they throw a fit. So yesterday, I showed them a youtube video that I watched earlier with Katy Perry. It highlights this little girl who is about ten years old and has autism. It shows how her parents have struggled with her, struggled with teaching her any sort of social graces. It shows her screaming endlessly and the frustrations and pain her parents experienced for this  little child that had their hearts and yet they couldn't reach her. And then one day she discovered music and she began to play. And then she began to sing. She loved Katy Perry and so she learned to play and sing her songs, putting them up on youtube. Katy Perry must have somehow seen them or heard about this so she invited her to sing with her at a concert. It's priceless and sweet and the first time I saw it, it made me cry.

So I showed it to my freshmen, expecting them to appreciate the struggle of this little girl (the singing is average). And many did. But one student covered his ears and said I can't listen to this. Another student said This is boring.

I sighed.

Sometimes you just can't fight perspective.

There have been times in my life when I have thought it would be easier to just stay inside my house and never leave--never speak a word--because we simply can't control how others perceive our words and actions. But we would miss out on so much living.

I remember hearing a story about Oprah one time where she talked about hating a girl who hurt her. She spent years resenting her, nursing her own personal wounds. And then, after six years of pouring so much energy into this passionate resentment, she passed this bitter enemy on the sidewalk. And the enemy was laughing. Her head was thrown back, mouth open in unabashed laughter, wide open pleasure. And Oprah realized in that moment that the only person her resentment and anger and misery had hurt for that entire six years was herself. She determined from that moment forward that she would never again harbor a grudge but, rather, would choose to let it go and move forward.

And so today I am going to leave resentment in the dust. Today I choose to take a deep breath; today I choose to move forward.