Embracing You

I am going to redo my living room. I'm so excited to get started as it is in big need of a makeover. I checked out televisions yesterday at Sam's Club and found a 42" at a reasonable price. New blinds, new curtains, new pillows coming in; the big entertainment center going out. I am hoping Roy will build a mantle for the "hearth" (not sure what to call it) that is simply bricks currently. And last of all, I want to replace the gas stove that hasn't worked since we moved in with an electric stove of some sort that will  create a homey ambiance.

I am ready to do it today.

That's the way I operate. I put things on the back burner for an eternity...and then suddenly I wake up and have zero tolerance for enduring any longer. For example, I hate shopping for clothes. It's rare for me to go to the mall or spend a day browsing through little shops. As a result, my wardrobe gets rather bleak. I have lofty dreams of buying a little here, a little there: a cute scarf one week, a whimsical blouse the next. But I don't. And then? One day I wake up and realize I look like I walked out of the '80's! And so off I go on a shopping spree, trying desperately to purchase a wardrobe rather than simply an item or two.

It is this sort of thinking that drives me a little crazy about myself but...I'm learning to accept those quirky things that make us unique, I suppose. I used to fight it, wish to be different. But now? I'm trying to simply embrace who I am and let all those expectations to be a different way...go.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I should forget trying to improve. This whole clothes-buying thing wreaks havoc on the budget...which is why I procrastinate far beyond a reasonable amount of time. (And I'm pretty much there now--I have practically nothing to wear.) But I'm wrestling with the idea of simply accepting that I don't like the mall. I'm not a shopper so why pretend.

But there are other things that make me sigh where I am concerned. Recently, Laurie Worth taught me how to knit a bag. It's a really cute little bag that can be used for a variety of things. And so I picked out a pastel solid green yarn. But when I got to Laurie's house, she happened to have the matching yarn that has a blend of pastel colors, and she offered for me to use it for the sides of the bag to bring it some variety. I readily took her up on her generous offer. So yesterday, Savana so the bag and said, "That looks like you" (...meaning the color choice). My first thought was to be taken back, as though that was an insult and she didn't like my color choice. It is a little too pastel--almost like a baby blanket. I toyed with the idea of being offended for just a split second and then? I thought...Actually, it does look like me...and that's okay.

Before, I would have wrestled with ...I should have chosen a different color. Or Why didn't I get someone to help me choose the right color for this bag? But I have been reading a lot lately about how we need to figure out who we are, what makes us tick, what we love...and then embrace it.

And so...I'm trying that on for size. I'm trying to simply accept that I don't like ruffles. I prefer quiet evenings at home with my iPad to parties. I crave stillness over activity.

I remember when I was in high school--a senior--that I had to go to the grocery store and pick up my friend Pam from work and bring her back to my house as she was living with us at the time. When she got in the car, she laughed uproariously. "What are you listening to?" she asked, quickly reaching over and changing the channel. Because...I was listening to classical music. It soothed my 18 year old soul.

I was embarrassed. And so when she traded in my station for a station that played rock, I said nothing. I didn't stand up for my preference even though it was my car. I mean seriously. What 18 year old kid listens to classical? In my day, it was unheard of within my group of friends. And so, when she laughed at me, I felt embarrassed, ashamed even. And so I said nothing but wondered on the inside why I had to be so weird.

A have a temporary part-time job these days working in an office at Foster church for a nonprofit organization organizing a 5K that is happening on April 6. About three weeks ago, my coworker, Sherri, resigned out of the blue. I really like Sherri. She is so sweet, so kind, so easy to talk to. And so when she told me that Monday that this was going to be her last week, I was taken back. How will I handle coming into an empty office each day? I'm going to cave with loneliness! And when I hugged her goodbye that Friday, I turned my face to hide the tears.

And then I went to work the next week, knowing it would just be me...and I came alive. I worked tirelessly the entire day, getting more accomplished than I ever had when Sherri was there. And suddenly I realized: I love working by myself.

Who knew?

I never realized that about myself! I have always been surrounded by kids and other teachers in the workplace. I've never had the opportunity to work in a quiet office where the only noise is the hum of the heater and the occasional horn from traffic outside my window. It's blissful actually. It's just my style.

And so...I am going to redo my living room. I am going to find some wispy curtains that hang to the floor. I am going to peruse Pinterest for ideas that reflect what I like. I am going to take my time and relish creating a room that reflects who I am as a person; we we are as a family.

And I am going to move forward with confidence, embracing.