Because I'm Free

I have a feather in my hair.

A few days ago, Roy and I were visiting his sister Gina and her husband, and she looked at me rather quizzically and then she quipped, “What is that in your hair?”

“A feather!” I replied proudly.

And she laughed. She may have thought it was a bit weird, slightly odd…I’m not sure.

And frankly? It’s all good.

I like it.

This feather? It reminds me of who I am.

It reminds me that I am free.

It hasn’t always been that way…

From my early teens, I struggled with so many issues in regards to spirituality. I was a highly sensitive kid, and I was keenly aware of my behavior, my desires that were less than honorable, my weaknesses. And there were plenty. They were all that I saw.

I remember one time in my mid-twenties standing in line to speak with the pastor, Morris Vendon, at Azure Hills Church in Loma Linda, California, after a particularly moving women’s Bible study that he led. My heart was heavy with an issue that burned savagely in my heart, and I was desperately hoping for encouraging words.

As I stood waiting my turn, I struck up a conversation with the lady standing next to me who was also waiting her turn. For some reason, I blurted out my struggle: I just can’t seem to give up Dr. Pepper. I’m so tired of myself…

Yep. That was my struggle.

And that lady I was talking to? She looked at me as if I were an alien who just plopped down beside her from Mars.

“Your problem is you can’t give up Dr. Pepper?” she said, in disdain. Shaking her head, she scoffed, “Gosh I wish that was my problem.”

But the mental turmoil? It was real. 

And it was constant: what I ate; what I drank; books I read; movies I watched…I had a litany of things to harass myself about. 

And I did. 

Boy did I ever. 

And then when I was about 45 years old, I had a breakthrough. Now don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t overnight. It took over two years. Two years of questioning and studying and thinking and wondering.

It was a time of awakening for me. I slowly climbed out of this legalistic box that I lived in inside my head and woke up to a whole new world. 

So many realizations and revelations exploded in my head over those two years. And basically it all boiled down to this nutshell:

This life is mine to live; this life is what I make of it. It’s not about a set of rules that determines how good I am in regards to whether I keep them; it’s not about a vengeful God who keeps tally of everything I do wrong; it’s not about black and white issues (and I’m not referring to race). In fact, most issues, I realized, are gray.

One day I woke up and it came to me as suddenly as if the sun was shining for the very first time:

 I am free.

I am free to live how I choose; to be who I want to be. God is not watching over me with crossed arms, impatiently tapping his feet and just waiting for me to screw up so that he can doom me to hell.

Rather, God is moving me forward, wanting only good, surrounding me with light and love and kindness.

I still screw up. Pretty much every day. But these days? Well, I’ve learned to be kind to myself – at least most of the time. I have learned that life is all about headspace and my thoughts can make my heaven a hell; my hell a heaven. It’s all in how I look at it.

But best of all? I have learned that there is so much worth celebrating in this life I live. 

And that, my friend, is why I have a feather in my hair.

Because I can.

And because I’m free.