Choosing Happiness

This morning I read about learning to be happy regardless of circumstances. It's so easy to say...Whenever I get ___, I'll be so happy! Or...Whenever this happens, I'll finally be happy! But the truth is, we need to learn to recognize how things and events come and go like the waves of the ocean. But through it all, we can maintain a sense of calm, of peace, of happiness.

I'm not quite there yet.

Currently, I'm on pins and needles. I have applied for full-time work and actually had an interview. Supposedly at least one more interview for another job is coming and maybe even two. I struggle a bit to not let anxiety rule in my life at the moment. Sometimes I have to stop, take a deep breath, and let it go. That has been the story of my life, I think.

When I look back at the course of my life, it hasn't been the average journey. Working for the Adventist system has brought with it trekking cross-country: we started in Colorado at Campion, nestled at the base of the Rockies; moved to California to teach in the public school system so that we could both have full-time work and live close to my sister Lori; missed the Adventist system (and had a baby) so we moved to New Mexico to plunge ourselves into saving a dying school; moved to Wisconsin when that school closed; moved to Keene, TX, to get out of the dorm; moved to Missouri because Keene was like living in a different country; moved to North Carolina because Roy longed for full-time pe again.

So here we are...and I refuse to move again. I am done. So is Roy. But of course...living here has been a challenge because there is no full-time job for me. And until this year, I wasn't willing to work in the community because of Jace. But...he is almost twelve now, so my time has come. I'm ready to venture outside of the safety of an Adventist setting. I'm ready for more than part-time work. I'm ready to have some financial freedom. I'm ready to meet people that aren't my neighbors. I'm ready to be challenged and have experiences that broaden my horizons. I'm ready for so many things.

And so, now I am in the midst of the waiting game...and it is excruciating. I struggle to think of things beyond Will they call today? Did they like me? Was I good enough? I struggle to remember that happiness goes beyond the events and circumstances of my life.

My recipes are a mess. I have three boxes of recipes: one box houses our beloved meals that are no-brainers: everybody loves them; another box houses recipes that I don't make quite as often but regardless they are tested and proved; a third box houses recipes that I want to try but...haven't. And so I have come upon a new system after searching the Internet for organizing all of my recipes into a notebook. But of course it requires typing them all out, printing them, and organizing them into the notebook after that's all done.

So last night I started typing from the first box that has our time-tested and dog-eared recipes in it. And as I read through most of those recipes, I was reminded of the years of watching my kids grow up, sitting around the table, laughing. In my mind's eye that's what I see: talking and laughing around the table as we dined on cottage cheese loaf and mashed potatoes or homemade cheese enchiladas or red lentil curry. I remembered how Savana swallowed spaghetti with my homemade sauce and practically choked as she forgot to chew. I laughed as I recalled how Darian lied that the meatballs with sweet and sour glaze were too hot to eat even though they had sat on her plate for well over twenty minutes. She just couldn't bare to eat them. (The girls still practically gag when I mention my meatballs which, by the way, are scrumptious. They are just weird.) I remembered birthday parties with Dirt Cake  and debates about whether my homemade macaroni and cheese is better than the Kraft version (a debate that still annoys me as my homemade version is so much better so why is there a debate???).

Reading through those recipes reminded me of how beautiful my life is. Those recipes reminded me of family and laughter and love and dining around a table in solidarity. They reminded me that life is too short to worry about the circumstances that fight for control over one's peace. They reminded me that, when this life is over, we will look back and remember cheesy lasagna with loved ones around the table--not waiting for a phone call that dictates our next job.

And so, today I am taking a deep breath. Today I am reveling in the fact it is not raining or snowing outside (as it did yesterday). The sun is just beginning to peak over the horizon and a beautiful day is before me. Jace has been gone on a class trip but he is returning this afternoon and I can't wait. I am so excited to hear his stories and envelop him in a bear hug, swearing to him I'm never letting go as he wiggles and screams to break free (even though I know he relishes every second). I am taking Piper outside to play ball and I will watch him bask in the sheer joy of the moment. I will laugh with Roy and talk to my girls about their day. I will work with friends as we clean up the campus in preparation for Alumni Weekend.

Today promises to be a good day and I'm not going to ruin it with anxiety over what may or may not happen.

Today I choose happiness.