What I Forgot

Sometimes I forget.

Just yesterday I got up, feeling that familiar restlessness. So many questions unanswered, my future vague. What should I do? That question has nagged me for going on four years now. What about retirement? What about a house? 

My husband Roy and I have devoted our lives to a Christian educational system. We've worked and played and lived and breathed and raised our kids--all on an academy campus. It's all we know. And though it has provided a beautiful life for our family--so many great memories and a safe environment for our children--it has left us with a lot of financial insecurity. Our money has been tied up in educating three children in a system that isn't cheap, even when you get subsidy. And I have never worked full-time as I wanted my kids to know my presence at home.

And I don't regret that. I have great kids and I have to believe that our sacrifice is part of the reason.

Our plan has always been that when the kids grew up, I would go to work full-time. When we moved to North Carolina, I gave up a job that would be full-time as soon as I said the word. But we felt God's leading as Roy was tired of playing dean and he was ready for a house of his own. Truthfully, I didn't really care as I loved the boys' dorm--loved a houseful of boys on Friday nights; I loved the enthusiasm that greeted me every time I walked through the dorm; I loved their eager spirits.

But I knew Roy was tired, that it was time for him to pursue something different. And so when the doors opened to come to North Carolina, we readily accepted. At the time there was no job for me and so that first year, I surrounded myself with part-time positions, all from home. I worked as a textbook correlator, a customer service representative for AAA, a contract writer. I kept myself busy while I fretted and worried and wondered. I felt hopeless and sad, and I missed being deeply involved with teenagers on a close-knit campus.

And so while Roy and Darian busied themselves with classes and work and rec and Saturday night activities and Vespers and Sabbath School, I nursed my wounds.

And then? Hope brimmed on the horizon. After two years, our principal thought he could hire me part-time for the following school year. At the same time, my dear friend Joy told me about an opening in her department working for the government that, with her help, I could possibly get. Foolishly, I turned down Joy and threw all of my eggs in the only work I knew "basket" only to have the job go from 1/2 time to...not much. But it was okay. I knew it would work--this was just the beginning. If I held on, a full-time job would come my way at the school.

And then? The school decided to start an ESL program and bring over students from China. Sure enough--I would be full time at last! I planned and got my certification...and in July, after zero applicants, we realized that it wasn't going to work out.

And so now, here I am. Both of my girls are in college, their days busy and productive. They're both so happy. Jace is 11 now--busy with his own life as he's active in sports and adores his friends. I'm definitely a backseat, and that's okay.

And so, it's easy for my heart to be filled with frustration. What about me? I've sacrificed everything for this system. Am I hung out to dry now? I've applied for so many positions and not even gotten an interview. Everything I touch seems to crumble. It's frustrating, disheartening.

I've become restless.

But then yesterday this online Bible study that I've joined began. The verse from Isaiah 49:23 was shared: "...those who hope in Me will not be disappointed." I read that and then...

I stopped.

Really??

I feel like all I've experienced is disapointment--one sorry disappointment after the other.

But then, I thought about it for a moment. My kids are doing so well--thriving actually. Roy has a great job, one that he loves and that he's good at. We have so many comforts, we eat out weekly, we laugh. A lot. I live in, in my opinion, the most beautiful place in America that I could live. My life is, truly, blessed beyond measure. I've never gone without--not really.

And so this verse gave me peace. I don't know what is in store for me in the future. Will I ever teach full-time? Will I find a job I love? Will we be able to retire with income above the poverty level? Will we ever buy a house?

Those questions can't be answered today--and maybe not even tomorrow. But for now I am choosing to simply rest in the knowledge that He has my back. And I don't necessarily know what that means, but I'm choosing peace over restlessness; gratitude over worry; joy over discontent.

And that's what I forgot.