A Whole Lot of Freedom

Recently I've had The Great Debate going on in my head:

Do all people do the best they can.

A large piece of me wants to scream NOOOO from the rooftops. You know--what about murderers? Serial killers? Parents on drugs who neglect their children?

Those are the obvious questions.

But then, one has to consider the more subtle crimes:

What about those who lose their temper and yell at their kids? What about those who bully or are mean-spirited to some but not others? What about those who can have road rage at times? What about those who don't exercise because it feels good to sit on the couch? What about those who damage their bodies with their choices?

And the list goes on.

And what results is a whole lot of judgment: judgment of myself and judgment of others.

Because when it comes down to it? We all fail; we all fall short; we are all human.

I am a big believer that if I were born that person with their genetic code and as a victim of the parenting they received, in the environment they grew up in, I would be no different. In fact, I may not even be as good as they are. We don't understand the trials and burdens of other people. We don't know the god they serve. People do things that we don't understand--and honestly, we probably do things that others don't get. It's just the way life rolls.

One time I taught a girl--we shall call her Lisa--who had such a chip on her shoulder. She was angry and difficult; she acted out constantly. She was disruptive and loud and negative. And? I couldn't stand her. She was a junior at one of the boarding academies where I was teaching at the time, and I made it my focus to love all my kids. That wasn't hard for me--I chose teaching because I DO love kids. I find teens especially enjoyable. I love their stage of life where they are beginning to think about their futures and their goals,  yet they still have so many childlike qualities.

Anyway, regardless, I didn't like Lisa. And this bothered me. It kept me up at night, wondering how to reach her; how to find the good in her. And so, I began to talk to her when I would see her on campus. I showed interest and it wasn't long before the chips fell off her shoulder and I began to see the true Lisa behind the mask of bitterness and anger. And I realized, quickly, that this girl had withstood a lot of judgment and pain--far more than a 16 year old should endure; far more than I, as a mid-30's girl--had certainly endured in my life. And to this day? Lisa is one of my most cherished students.

That is, of course, a story that makes me look really good, but I've had plenty of failures; plenty of students I never did really get; plenty of students who walked out my classroom door and never looked back. That's the truth about teaching: you win some; you lose some. But I do know this: I did my best. And sometimes my best simply wasn't good enough.

When I look back over my life, I have things I regret. I made decisions that were poor; said things I shouldn't have said; done things I shouldn't have done. I treated others poorly because of the way I viewed their choices or because of hurt feelings or maybe because of something they did to a good friend of mine.

I wasn't perfect. And clearly I'm still not perfect.

But I am perfectly human.

Regardless? I believe I did the best I could. I didn't know what I know now. I needed to grow, I needed maturity, I needed perspective. I did the best I could at the time with what I knew.

And if that is true for me, it must be true for others. People do the best they can with what they know.

And when I wrap my thoughts around that, it releases all judgment. Suddenly it doesn't matter how others behave. It doesn't matter how they treat me because maybe they see something I don't. Maybe their background doesn't allow kindness for what they don't understand. Maybe their God is exacting and requires a whole lot of measuring up.

Accepting this ideal that people do the best they can does NOT mean I shouldn't have boundaries. I absolutely should have strong boundaries that protect myself and my family. It's not okay to be mistreated, but I believe that when we look deeper at how others may act, and consider the thought that they are doing their best, it releases a whole lot of grace and mercy rather than judgment and anger.

So, my New Year's Resolution for 2016? I am going to adopt this philosophy. I am going to focus on creating joy in my own life. I am going to focus on creating boundaries so that I can wholeheartedly say no and wholeheartedly say yes. I am going to keep my eyes on myself and worry far more about my own reactions and words and thoughts than those of others around me.

I am going to believe that others are doing the best they can...and? I will believe that I am doing the best I can as well.

That sounds like a whole lot of freedom to me.

To laugh often and much; 

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

--- inaccurately attributed to
 Ralph Waldo Emerson