No Words

I first met Lauren when we lived and taught at Wisconsin Academy several years ago. Her sister, Jamie, was one of my girls as she was my newspaper editor, and so, when Lauren came her sophomore year, I loved her from the start. She had a laugh that echoed through the halls and we could all hear her coming before she ever entered the door of my classroom. She had this long gorgeous red hair and a smile that lit up her face.

I'm not sure when it happened but at some point during that year, she fell in love with Brian Kessen, the son of my best friend. Brian was a senior and he and Justin Minnick teased Lauren unmercifiully. And she laughed. She laughed and she laughed and she loved and she danced her way through her years at W. A., making us all fall in love with her with her strength and determination and boldness to conquer her world.

And then of course, Lauren graduated and took off for Andrews University. But on occasion, she would come back to visit and she always came to my apartment there in the boys' dorm to say hello. We would talk for hours, laughing. The main subject of our conversation? Brian. She was so in-love with him. She and Brian hung together in groups and though she wanted to think he was interested, he never took the bait. And so, at times she dated other guys, but one eye was always looking to see if Brian's head was turned her direction. One time, she begged me to call Brian to see if there was any hope. Please let there be a glimmer of hope. And so, I did. It was out of my comfort zone as I felt like I was treading on territory where I didn't belong, but I made that phone call as her eyes pleaded desperately with me and I just couldn't resist. I talked with Brian for quite awhile, searched his voice for a sliver of interest and hung up the phone, defeated.

But a couple of years later,  Roy and I drove up to Wisconsin, as we'd moved by then, to attend her fairy tale wedding. She was so gorgeous that day, all dressed in white splendor and glowing with joy as she spoke her vows to the love of her life. Afterwards, Brian whisked her away to Loma Linda where he attended medical school and she taught in the San Bernardino school district.

My sister, Lori, lived near Loma Linda at the time, and so one year when we visited, I called Lauren to see if we could get together. We met on the beach and had a bonfire, ate supper together, and she played with Jace, who was just a little guy at the time,  out there near the waves, teaching him how to surf. And then one afternoon I visited them in their little house there on the outskirts of Loma Linda. Lauren gave me the grand tour and she had it decorated like home--so Lauren. We talked for quite awhile--about teaching (as she, too, was an English teacher) and life and marriage and dreams. And it was somewhere in that visit that we realized that she taught for a guy named Steve Perlot--the same principal I had taught for so many years ago when I taught for the San Bernardino school district.

How uncanny is that?

We ended our time together by heading over for some frozen yogurt. It was a beautiful summer evening and my family joined us, so we sat outside, eating yogurt and laughing and talking nonstop.  And then we hugged goodbye with promises of keeping in touch. I watched her and Brian walk away, holding hands and talking as Lauren looked up at him with those eyes of adoration and I couldn't help but feel so proud of these two who were such great kids and doing so well as life rose up to meet them with nothing short of promise.

As the years sped by, Brian graduated from med school and they headed to Illinois for him to complete his residency. Lauren was pregnant with Ben by then and we lost contact as we all were, of course, busy with our own adult lives. But Dee kept me updated with pictures and stories: Lauren is such an amazing mom... I am so proud of her...she wants to go back to school and get her Master's...

And then one day Lauren and I managed to Skype together. She introduced me to Ben and we chatted it up as though no time had passed since we'd last seen each other. Without question, Lauren was one of those friends where life just picks up where you left it and conversation never lags.

I talked to Dee a few weeks ago. She filled me in on how Brian, Lauren and Ben had recently visited for their annual autumn get-together in Door County. She shared pictures of Lauren, seven months pregnant with their baby girl, and then we watched a video of Ben as Lauren's laughter rang through the air in the background. Clearly they had the world by the tail as they had just moved to Minneapolis, bought their dream house, and were conquering their dreams one by one.

Until, as I write this,  one week ago today...

Because a week ago today? Lauren tragically passed away while giving birth to their beautiful little girl, Leah Marie.

Since I've heard the news, I've felt as though I live in a haze, as though the world is filled with undertones of gray. It is as though my heart is beating her name and, even though I am surrounded by so much to be thankful for in my life, I can't quite wrap my thoughts around the reality that life will never be the same; that a light has gone out and our world is a littler darker for it.

And here is the thing. We all know our days are numbered. Life is no guarantee. But when death strikes one who is so vibrant and in the prime of life, who still has so much living to do...well, there are simply no words.

I am left with no words to describe the utter sadness I feel for Brian, for Ben, for little Leah, for Pam and Mark and Ron and Diane and Jamie and Dee and Bob and Michael.  For the sadness I feel even for myself--though this isn't my story.

For the past several days, people have been posting memories and anecdotes on Facebook in honor of Lauren. Clearly she has touched the lives of many as they have shared their own tears and heartache. And as I've read these beautiful tributes,  I've grappled to find just the right words to express my own piece of sadness in the whole of this devastation.  And I am left with no words. How does one voice such tragedy? such loss?

Lauren left behind a legacy through her loved ones, her friends, and our memories:

Beautiful Ben with his spark for life and laughter.

Precious Leah with that dark hair who will grow up with her mother's genes and will create her own little slice of greatness. How could it be otherwise?

A husband who will rise up and meet this challenge with courage and and determination.

Her laughter that echoes in my mind at the mention of her name.

And so much more.

So much, much more.

Rest in peace, our  beautiful, amazing Lauren.