What Do I Do Right?

This morning a Dr. Phil video popped up in my Inbox. It was short--not even two minutes long--but it asked the question, What are things that you do right? He offered this question to the audience, encouraging responses, and several people responded: I spend an hour with my son twice a week just talking; I have time each morning for journaling; I work on my marriage and it's paying off.

And so, of course, this got me thinking: what do I do right? We are often focused on exactly the opposite. Our lives are often filled--or at least mine is--with thoughts of Why did I do that? What was I thinking when I said that? I should ___ more... and the list continues. And so this question? It creates a shift in my mind and to be perfectly honest, it's difficult for me to answer this.

Before we moved to North Carolina, I could have created a list of things I did right with no problem. I was so busy and productive with my job that it forced me to stay organized with my personal life. I was the main English teacher there in Missouri and we also lived in the boys' dorm. And so between grading and teaching and mentoring boys, my life was filled with activity. But of course, I wanted to preserve my family and so I worked to have a hot breakfast each morning and family dinner on the table every evening. I was a big believer in the value of our little family sitting around the table and sharing a meal together. I cherish those memories.

But then, when we moved here, Savana went to college and our schedules changed and I wasn't working at a school any longer and...well, everything kind of fell apart. And it still hasn't pulled back together. I do cook breakfast for Jace each morning but it tends to be one of three meals that I rotate rather than a two week list of rotations. Roy and I try to refrain from supper due to an ever-expanding waistline and so...that too has cut into family meal time. Now it's more reserved for Friday evenings and after church on Saturdays. Every other day seems to be a bit of a hodge-podge.

And so, the things that I used to pride myself on for doing right are no longer part of my life equation quite so much. I feel like I'm lost in an abyss somewhat--not really involved anywhere as I'd like to be. I yearn for productivity and meaning--for making a difference. And this question? It brought that home. It is  a reminder that I'm spinning my wheels.

Of course, there are things I do right. I am absolutely a communicator with my kids. I spend hours talking to the girls each week--either by phone or by skype or, if they are home, face to face. We talk about everything under the sun and I am so thankful for their open hearts and undying loyalty. Jace and I too spend plenty of time talking. He isn't quite as open as they are, I suppose. He likes to let me know that he has secrets that are only for his friends, not me. But that's okay. He spends plenty of time sharing his most intimate feelings.

And I know that my marriage works.

Getting up in the morning before anyone else and having some quiet time is something that I've done for years. It works for me and I always look forward to this hour spent away from the world--just me and my thoughts and time for reflection and renewal.

But...

A few months ago, I spent some time talking to a friend of mine. She has always homeschooled her kids but now they are growing up and ready to branch out a bit. She has found herself hitting 40 and baffled as to how she should spend the rest of her life. She has always been a mom. Now what?

I have always been a teacher. I love teaching actually--love the relationships that are formed as I spend time each day with these kids, helping them hone skills or just helping them think for a moment outside of themselves. But since we've moved here, I have only taught part-time. This year I have two sections of Freshman English and that's the most I've taught in four years. Furthermore, my girls are off to college and that has totally catapulted our family life in an entirely different direction. It has left me with a lot of time to say...Now what?

And honestly, I don't have the answer to that question. I don't know what to do with my future. I don't know what path to pursue. I still feel young at heart; I feel as though there's still so much to give. I just don't know where to give it.

And I've felt this way for going on four years now.

So this question...what do I do right? It makes me realize that I need purpose again. I need productivity. I need goals and a personal mission and meaning.

And yet...that isn't to say that I am not happy. I do enjoy my life; I have abundant blessings and I am so thankful for so many things. I am simply transitioning, I suppose--and just ready to take that next step...whatever it may be.