I'm Still Me

Darian flies out tomorrow for Bolivia.

She will be gone for an entire year.

Oh, my heart...

Recently I was listening to this woman (I have no idea who she was) talk about how we need to always focus on the positive. We need to steer our thoughts toward positivity and joy. Every morning when we get up? We should take a deep breath, close our eyes, and say "Abundance flows in my life in surprising and miraculous ways, every day." Throughout our day, we should take moments to remember these words, to focus on them for a moment, to remember...

And so, I've been trying this. When I step into Darian's room and I see bulging suitcases filled with a year's supply of shampoo and toothpaste, when I see her journal out on the floor in anticipation of a year's collection of writings, when I see her newly purchased album filled with pictures that remind her of home and friendship and the place she belongs...well, I am trying to remember to take a deep breath:

Abundance flows in my life in surpring and miraculous ways, every day.

Or this one:

When I don't resist, I'm in grace.

You know...when I don't resist the obstacles life throws my way but, rather, accept them with open arms and a smile on my face rather than with kicking and thrashing and gnashing of teeth. I prefer the latter. I'm really good at the latter, frankly. It's my specialty.

But I'm trying. I'm trying to focus on the reality that my life is here in Candler and it's a good one. No matter that my kids are growing up and moving on; no matter that pieces of my heart go with them; no matter that I am learning a new way of living...the sun still rises in the sky each day; I still have hopes and dreams; I still am me.

Originally Darian was supposed to fly out yesterday, July 20, but then for various reasons that was postponed until further notice. Darian and I assumed she would fly out on July 27 and I relaxed in that knowledge, excited to have one more full week with her at home. I envisioned this upcoming weekend. We were planning to take her tubing down the French Broad--all 6 of us (including Guerin) with our tubes tied together floating down the river, laughing and chatting it up and splashing and stopping midway for a picnic.  It was going to be our last hurrah and I was so excited that we were going to get that opportunity after all.

But then yesterday when I was at work Darian called to say--I'm flying out Wednesday morning at 7:00 am. You won't have to take off work after all!

And in that moment, I froze...all of my dreams of our last hurrah vanishing in a split second. I welcomed taking off work to bid her farewell...But I kept my voice light and said, "Well then, we'd better get in gear and finish up your shopping and packing and such!"

But on the inside? Well, I was kicking.

And so, last night we went shopping. We hit Best Buy as she wanted to buy a nice camera so she can chronicle her adventure appropriately. And then we stopped by Dick's for some shoes for Jace as his are ... well, basically held together by shoelaces. And then on to Walmart where she stocked up on some final items for her year. By the time we got home, we were all cranky from stepping on each other's heels and spending too much money and too much close quarters.

So much for living in abundance. So much for not resisting.

This morning is a new day. I am taking a deep breath and remembering that this life is my own and I get to live it as I choose. I can focus on the fact that Darian will be gone for a year and that my heart will bleed loneliness for her; or I can focus on the fact she is in for the wildest adventure of her life; that she will return with stories and and a full heart and a greater knowledge of who she is.

I can focus on abundance; I can choose the path of least resistance.

It's a tall order and I'm not sure how well I'll do. I will probably forget a lot and soak in some self-pity that my kids are growing up and choosing their own adventures that don't include me. But thankfully I'm surrounded by really good people who will keep me looking up.

My life is a beautiful thing and I have so much in front of me.

Abundance flows into my life in surprising and miraculous ways every day.

When I don't resist? I'm in grace.