Looking Forward

My neck is killing me.

Usually, when my neck hurts, it's a sign I'm stressed. But this time, I think it's a sign I slept weird last night. I really can't turn my head. I can just look straight ahead.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

I dreamed last night this person was criticizing my parenting. Believe me. There is plenty to criticize. After she finished telling me everything I do wrong, I looked at her and said, "You know the girl who raised Savana and Darian? They're both doing well in life. Jace has the same mom. Sometimes laughter is better than screaming. Chances are, he'll be just fine."

Such wisdom in my dreams. 

When my girls were little, I was far too concerned with their behavior. Now don't get me wrong. I was by no means a drill sergeant type of mom. But I wish I had let go just a bit more. I wish I'd laughed more and not been so uptight about the little things.

I certainly don't have that problem with Jace. Maybe I need a bit more of that problem.

Recently, Savana complained to her dad that Jace gets by with so much more than she ever did at his age. Roy looked at her and said, "Savana? We're tired."

One should not be a parent of a young child when one is old.

Oh well. Regardless, he'll grow up. It's what they do. And chances are, he'll be just fine too.

When I was a teacher, life was divided into segments of time. I always had mini-goals to look forward to: spring break then home show then summer summer summer with all of its bounty then presession then school starting then fall break then Thanksgiving then Christmas then the beginning of second semester....'Round and 'tound it went. Year after year after year.

But when one works a job outside of the educational system, every day is the same. Every day, regardless of the season, one gets up for work. There are no fall breaks. Long days of summer vanish into work days. But I am noticing that my focus is shifting as I become accustomed to this new way of life. My life of work and play are no longer entrenched as one; rather, I have two distinct lives. I own my life now and it is what I choose to make it to be. Rather than everything centering around school and a school schedule, everything centers around whatever I choose.

Ah. It's refreshing.

A couple of weeks ago, Roy and I sat down with a calendar and made plans for summer: a one week vacation in Florida on the beach and a quick trip to Texas/Oklahoma to see family and a motorcycle trip while Jace is at camp. We penciled in the dates, booked the flights, booked the condo. And now? Now we just look forward. Eyes straight ahead.

That's how I want to spend my life. I want to look forward--not backwards with regret. Not around me at others for the sake of criticizing. I want my life to burst with joy and contentment and life.

Straight ahead. Moving forward. And with this neck? Well, that shouldn't be too difficult...at least today.