Creating a Life of Joy

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Grateful

This weekend was my first alumni event:

Oklahoma Campmeeting at Wewoka Woods.

I grew up on the campgrounds of Wewoka Woods. Some of my best memories took place on that land. I played the role of girls' counselor and worked bathrooms at camp meetings for more summers than I can count...

...riding horses,
...zipping over trails on the 4-wheeler,
...lazily riding in a canoe on the lake,
...lying on my back on the dam, gazing up at a million flickering stars overhead at night.

As we turned into the entrance of camp on Friday evening, it was like a kaleidoscope of emotion and memories rose up to greet me and that reminiscent feeling of anticipation blossomed in my chest.

...oh yeah...I remember you...

Camp hasn't changed much. The lodge got a makeover but the inside is still the same. I didn't see anyone I knew that is my age. All of my friends that are still in Oklahoma have moved on in their lives and Oklahoma Campmeeting is no longer a priority. I missed them.

I missed Jeff and Mark with all of their obnoxious comments and infectious laughter.

I missed Julie and her stories of her latest escapades.

I missed Tricia and her mom, Beverly, and reminiscing about the ridiculous things I did and said when I was in high school.

But I did see some of the teachers from Parkview, where I attended high school. And I saw Alfreda, a precious little lady whom I worked with my senior year at the ABC. Occasionally, she would say, "Vonda, why don't you go to Braum's and get both of us a malt? My treat." And off I would go, delighted.

And I saw Lavelle, the cutest little lady, and her husband Keith. These two played a key role in my life when I was a teen--I adored them and they took good care of me.

Both of my sisters and my mom were at Campmeeting. In fact, we stayed in a motel together on Friday night.

And we laughed. A lot.

On Saturday afternoon, Tami Condon and I rolled up our sleeves and served watermelon to a crowd of about 300. We had others who were helping, of course, but by the time we were finished, we were sticky and sweaty and laughing and grateful.

Grateful to be alive.

Grateful for a job that is all about service.

Grateful for being surrounded by such happy faces, by joy.

Afterwards, we headed off into the sunset for Keene. The ride home wasn't quite as boisterous as the ride to Campmeeting. I drove and Tami C. sat in the passenger seat, a captive audience to my many questions. Tami heralds from Andrews University where she changed the game of Alumni Director, building a program that had little alumni involvement to one that is thriving and alive. To be working with such an incredible girl? Ah. My heart is full.

And so, my first event was a raging success. Not because I did anything spectacular--as I really just showed up. But...

...seeing people I love
...meeting new people whom I will see again next summer
...working side by side with a girl who is my friend
...living in the midst of this moment of joy

Pretty much? That's what life is about.

I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be where I am in life right now. But one thing I am sure of and that is this:

I am grateful.

“i thank You God for most this amazing” by e.e. cummings

June 1, 2009 by Jane Beal

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings
1894-1962

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Straight Lines and Clear Spaces

When I was packing up to move, I realized that I have a whole lot of lotions. Hand lotion, body creme, lighter lotions that smooth on quickly, heavier lotions that take longer to seep into your skin...if it's a lotion? Pretty much I had it.

Candles? Same story. I had a shelf crammed full of candles with every scent in the book. Some of them I had never lit--or barely lit as they were practically new.

My closet was crammed full of clothes that I might wear someday. You know, the green sweater that is out of date but really comfortable...that sort of thing.

Clearly I have bought into the mantra, more is better.

I chose to get rid of a lot of stuff this go-round. In fact, I was rather impressed with how little I moved in regards to stuff. I chose my favorite lotion and got rid of the rest. I pared down my closet to only the clothes that I have worn in the past year. I chose my favorite two candles and let the rest go.

I simplified.

I love straight lines and clear spaces. I am not a girl of clutter. I find it distracting, annoying. I can't focus when papers with uneven edges or an array of junk mail is on the counter.

This morning, Roy took off for his first day of work. I got up early--5:15--and made him breakfast before he headed out the door with his sonic cup filled to the brim with ice cold water. He got in the pickup and did his usual routine of straightening everything, making sure his ducks are in a row. I stood outside on the front step and watched him...and then I looked up at the sky. It was gray out--just before the sun peeked over the horizon, and gray clouds swirled up ahead.

"I wonder if it's going to rain..." I said out loud, but he probably didn't hear me as he busily prepared for his drive.

I felt kind of like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz when she looks outside at the impending storm...it kind of had that feeling in the air.

And then Roy drove away and, the wind whipping my hair, I came back inside to an empty house. And here I am--just me, my iPad, and 2 cats lazily lying on boxes and looking at me with disinterested eyes.

There are no straight lines and empty spaces in this rental. In fact, in front of me are rows of unopened boxes and furniture wrapped in plastic. We've lived this way now for about two weeks. It's like camping, only not nearly as fun.

This adventure has been like none other. It has been filled with unknowns and with anxiety and anticipation. And now that we are here, it has been worth every minute.

But last night? Last night I felt the impending storm swirling inside me, anxiety welling up. My brain was spinning with the all-consuming process of buying a house and all of the what-ifs that come with that. My work day was in overload mode as Rachel is leaving and I need to be a sponge, soaking in all of her knowledge before her last day on Friday. But my brain? Pretty much mush right now.

I am tired of the boxes. And yet...those boxes? They are a symbol that so much is just around the corner.

One month from today we will be (hopefully) in our new home and the boxes will be discarded.

One month from today I will better understand Razor's Edge (the database we use in the Advancement Office).

One month from today I will be one month closer to the life I choose.

And so, I am taking deep breaths. Each day is a stepping stone to the life I am envisioning.

Last April when my life was filled with chaos and I genuinely had no idea where we would land, I would think, "One year from today, I will have the answer." And that would calm my spirit, give me peace. Because, I may not know now...but I would know then...and that meant there is hope.

There's always hope.

And so, the clutter and scattered lines of my life are beginning to settle.

The gray clouds are breaking up.

Straight lines and clear spaces are just around the corner.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Wide Open Sky

I've always been a lover of Mexican food.

When I used to visit Dad during the high school years, we would always go out to eat at the same Mexican restaurant pretty much every week. At least, in my memory. I loved it.

Chips and salsa? All day long.

When Roy and I started dating, he took me to Jose's on a regular basis. A little restaurant in Cleburne, it far surpassed Thursday Mexican at the university.

When we moved to Colorado? Jose Muldoon's.

And so it continues. When we were in North Carolina, we visited Papa's and Beer pretty much every week during my lunch hour and I looked forward to the next visit starting the minute I left it the day we ate out each week.

And now we're back in Texas, land of the Mexican food. On every corner? A different Mexican food restaurant. Roy tells everyone it's my mission to try each Mexican food restaurant within a 50 mile radius so that I can determine which one is my favorite.

That may prove difficult as they're all pretty darned good.

Tami and I have started walking during the evenings. That's a good thing because at the rate I'm going, I may be rolling my way around.

No. Really.

A couple of evenings ago, Tami and I took off for our jaunt and Chas decided to join. And so, the three of us sped our way down country roads, talking a mile a minute. The sun was just starting to go down in the west and the evening hours were a tad bit cooler than high afternoon. You know--95 degrees instead of the 98 degrees of high noon. Anyway, as we rounded a corner, I looked up and there it was:

When we first interviewed at North Carolina six years ago, I was stunned by its beauty. Talking to Ed Pelto who picked us up from the airport, I said, I can't believe you live in the midst of so much beauty. I don't think I would ever leave if we lived here...

Ed said, "Actually, I find it a little suffocating. I never see the sun rise or the sun set because the mountains hide the sun once it is beyond them."

And he was right.

Now don't get me wrong. The beauty of Asheville is second to none. There is good reason it's on the "Top Ten Places to Live in the USA" every single year. But I am an Oklahoma girl and sunrises and sunsets? They're in my blood.

Moving to Texas has been an adventure. Each day I wake up anticipating what's next. I know life will settle soon and we will figure out the new normal, but right now we are in the midst of creating. You know--where we buy groceries (HEB is a little piece of paradise--I've never seen such cheap, beautiful produce in my life!), who will cut my hair, is there a vet in town?, where am I going to get flea meds for my pets, which local theater is my fave, who has the best ice cream (you know--important stuff like that)...

And so, life today is wide open. Whether it be my favorite Mexican restaurant or the color I am going to paint my walls or when to schedule exercise into my day (because I'm thinking positively), or the kinds of flowers I will plant around those trees in the front yard, or ...all I see?

Wide open sky.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Standing In Awe

When Roy and I found out we were moving to Texas, we began diligently searching Trulia and Zillow and realtor.com. You know...house hunting. Fairly quickly into this game, I received an email from Chas-bo, my sweet BIL, regarding a house for sale in Keene. One of the team members in the Advancement Department at SWAU, Rachel--whom I liked immediately and would have been on the same "team" as me once I started this new job--decided to follow her new husband who got a dream job in Kansas City. And so, they put their house up for sale and she determined her last day would be July 15.

When Chas told me about the house, my first thought was--waaay out of our price range...even before I heard the amount.

2 acres
Fruit trees
3 bed/2 bath brick home
A shop for Roy
A storage shed

I don't know how much you know regarding realty in Texas at the moment, but it's hot. As in, people get their asking price and sometimes more than their asking price. Often there are multiple bids on one house. Our realtor told us that she saw a house listed at 167,000 sell for 182,000. It's a seller's market.

Anyway, I called Rachel and we set a date for looking at the house via Skype and she walked me through it.

I loved it.

And then she told me the price.

And I said, thanks, Rachel--but no thanks. It's out of my price range.

Doggone it.

Because? It was perfect.

And then we moved to Texas.

And then we looked at houses.

One day Chas came home and said, "There's another piece of property for sale that has 1.5 acres and a house that has been completely remodeled."

And so we drove by it and we thought, "Let's check it out."

But again--it was out of our price range.

However, this time around? Well, we were willing to work the numbers a bit, stretch more than we thought we should, or even could...

And when we wrapped our thoughts around the idea that we could make it work, it suddenly hit me...

We could afford the house with the 2 acres and the fruit trees and the shop.

I called Rachel.

We all piled in to look at the house--as in my sister and Chas-Bo and and my mom and my niece and Jace and Roy and me.

Yeah.

Rachel was unfazed.

Can we keep you, Rachel?

We made an offer.

They accepted.

We arrived in Keene, Texas on June 28, 2016.

Two days later we began the process of purchasing a home that lies on the outskirts of town. It's at the very end of Pecan Street and sits underneath the shade of several large oak trees. The view from the front porch looks out over an open field. The view from the back porch? What will be our very own property that stretches back just about as far as the eye can see. It has a large living room with a wood-burning fireplace that spans one wall. A cozy kitchen. 2 car garage. 3 comfortable-sized bedrooms. A shop so Roy can rebuild his '81 Firebird in peace. An alcove for my little freezer out in the garage. A sound storage shed that will house gardening tools and more. A metal building that could easily transition to a chicken coop.

This morning I got out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen, made myself a cappuccino, and hung out in what used to be the chair in the man-cove. I am surrounded by boxes. My kitchen is a mess. My bedroom is a dive. And my bathroom? Let's not even go there.

But honestly? I am so excited. I am living an adventure. Each day is filled with surprises--some surprises that take me back a bit, make me take a deep breath and remember that I can only move forward one step at a time, conquering whatever is just in front of me...

And some surprises that make me stand in awe.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Polka Dotted Pandas

I am living in the midst of boxes.

Again.

Since Roy and I got married, we have moved six times.

We started out in Colorado...then California...then New Mexico...then Wisconsin...then Texas...then Missouri...then North Carolina...

...and now back to Texas.

Full circle--as that is where we met.

The first time we moved to Texas, back in 2005, was traumatic. I wasn't ready for the change as I had so many great friends and memories in Wisconsin. Back in those days, I said I wanted to retire there in Wisconsin. Now? I can't imagine 20 below zero for 30 days straight. I can barely stand 20 degrees, much less below zero temperatures!

But this time? Well, this time I'm excited. Ready to go. Eyes straight ahead.

I will miss many things about North Carolina...

-Holcombe Cove Road
-my precious coworkers who have become some of my dearest friends
-my INFJ bestie
-lunch dates with Tammy
-mild winters that still have snow and bursting flowers against a backdrop of green and mild summers and stunning fall colors

I could go on.

But the truth is, I am longing for Texas. I am ready for Sunday when the movers come and pack up this house that has been my home for six years. I am excited for this next adventure in my life...

-a job at the university working as Alumni Director where the name of the game is people rather than working in a cubicle from 7-4 (and don't get me wrong--I have LOVED my job...)
-Roy on a totally new career path that offers independence and financial success and being his own boss (ah--so happy for him).
-my co-worker is my brother in law.
-friends that have been friends for years. And years.
-my parents and my sister Lori are within 4 hours' driving distance.
-sunsets that make me stand in awe.
-my precious nieces and nephews who have my heart.
-my sister Tami lives four blocks away.
-my sister Tami lives four blocks away.
-my sister Tami lives four blocks away.

I can't wait to go house hunting, to figure out whether we want to build. To look at land and envision standing on the porch and watching the sun come up in the east. To know that, God willing (please God--please be willing), this will be our last stop. This will be where the kids come home when they've all reached adulthood, where the grandkids will run, where I will grow old and gray.

I have so much on my plate right now--it's a little bit crazy. I have so much to think about that my brain won't stop won't stop won't stop. Packing and moving and starting a new job and looking for a house and what about the cats and I need to change addresses and when will I get my license as I can't take off work for 90 days and I am so excited to work with Tami Condon--I love Tami Condon--and Janelle! We'll be working buddies again! And Chas' Indian Dahl and Estee Marie is only a few hours' away and ...

The truth is, my mind spins so much that I often pretend to listen and have no idea what someone said because I forgot to tell my brain to stop.

I am constantly reminding myself--This is step 1. Packing.

I cannot conquer step 23 or step 37 or even step 3.

I can only conquer step 1.

And that will slow me down for a minute, help me remain calm.

I was talking to Jacque the other day--you know, the one who keeps me sane--and telling her that sometimes the stress of this new adventure gets the best of me and I find myself frantic, paralyzed with a to-do list that is overpowering...

She laughed in that way she has that lets me know she understands, she gets it, and then she said...

Polka dotted pandas.

That's your word. Whenever your brain is spinning?

Just think...polka dotted pandas.

It is currently 6:06 am. It's officially my last day of work at Buncombe County DSS.

And though I am excited for my next adventure, I am sad to say goodbye to my friends at the Department who have welcomed me in and become my friends.

But right now I can't think about that...

Right now? Well...

Polka dotted pandas.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Anyway

Sometimes life is messy.

Sometimes people say and do really mean things that are undeserved.

And sometimes I say and do really mean things that are undeserved.

The past few months have been difficult at best. They have been filled with angry words and assumptions and over-analyzations and a lot of dark moments. The past few months have tested my ability to stay balanced emotionally and physically with so many unknowns and so many inflicted hurts.

So many days of crying, so many what ifs...

But it's over.

Thank God it's over.

The other day, I found myself reeling. Again. It had to do with Savana's wedding and people I thought were friends and words that were left unsaid, and once again, those repetitive tracks played in my mind over and over and over again. I found myself spending far too much time doing mindless things--you know, perusing Facebook, analyzing who "liked" certain pictures and who didn't, playing games on my phone--those things that we do when escapism is better than reality.

I don't like that me.

That isn't who I am.

That is certainly who I don't want to be.

And so, I took myself for a walk, looked up at the blue sky against a mountain-filled backdrop, took a few deep breaths, and remembered why forgiveness is so important.

Because forgiveness? It has nothing to do with the act that created the pain and everything to do with whether or not I am going to be overcome with bitterness, spending my days reliving the pain and licking or my wounds...or I am going to choose freedom.

And folks, I'm choosing freedom.

I am so thankful for Jacque who has coached me through the past few months and helped me deal with the pain so that the pain doesn't become infused in my being and create a me that nobody likes, including myself.

I am so thankful for my family--my man, my kids, my sisters, my parents--who endure the worst of me and love me anyway.

I am so grateful for the girls I work with who have been a source of laughter and community when I needed it the most.

My life is enriched by my precious friend Kayla who has emailed me faithfully and encouraged me to get back up.

These past few months have shown me who my true friends are--the ones who have reached out, who have cared enough to stop by, to love when I may not have seemed available.

And....

I am grateful for what the past few months have taught me and that is this:

Being nice can be a whole lot different than being kind.

Above all?

Be kind.

A Mother Teresa poem has haunted me the past few months. I say "haunted" because it has challenged me to go against the grain of what I inherently wanted to do. It goes like this:

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I am grateful for her words because they challenge me to be better, to get outside of my head and remember that sometimes, people do mean things. Sometimes people say mean things.

Sometimes I do too.

I am grateful for her words because they help me to remember that life is short and that I want my life to count for something beautiful that goes beyond my own selfish desires.

I want my life to be infused with kindness and forgiveness and love.

It may not be who I am right now...but it is my beacon.

And I will keep moving forward, one step at a time...

...anyway.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

My Little Girl

My daughter is married.

In my mind? I still see that little chubby baby face with the huge grin and eyes that light up a room. She shouldn't be married; she should be running in the house with chubby legs and dimpled hands filled with flowers she picked from the yard.

She should be singing songs at the top of her lungs, the fan her microphone.

She should be playing Maid with Darian: she is the princess, Darian is the maid.

She should be telling me stories in that grown up voice though she is only 5 years old.

She should be doing lots of things. But walking down the aisle? Taking the last name Williams?

How did that happen?

I remember when the girls were little and my life consisted of dishes and lunch and scattered toys and vacuuming and monkey bars and swing sets and fruit on the porch so it wouldn't drip on the carpet and swimming pools and car seats and 3 year old fights, and I thought,

...when these girls are 6 and 8? My life will be easy.

And then I blinked...

Turned around twice.

Savana's wedding day was perfection.

We all got up early, showered, took extra time getting ready. It was a beautiful day--the sun was shining brightly--as we headed to the Williams' property for pictures. The First Look was scheduled for 10:15 as they were taking pictures before the wedding rather than afterwards, and that moment was so precious, magical. Guerin stood with his back to Savana and as she finally reached him, walking through the dew-covered grass, she tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned to see her, couldn't hold his composure, and just held her in an embrace for what seemed forever.

It was a beautiful thing.

At 1:40 (the service started at 2:00 in a field by our house), Roy, Savana and I were in the house when it began to rain--a hard rain falling in sheets from the sky.

"It will stop," Savana said matter of factly, as though she would control the weather by sheer determination.

And it did.

The wedding started shortly after 2:00 as there was a reprieve in the pounding rain. A crew dried chairs and hustled the guests out to the field that had been transformed by white roses and greenery-laden arches into a little piece of paradise.

The wedding party walked in to the theme song from Forrest Gump and then, Roy drove Savana up in his '81 Firebird--waxed to perfection the night before.

She looked stunning.

The service was magical--it was so fitting and whimsical and representative of Sav and G and who they are as people and as a couple. Eddie told their story; their vows made us all cry; Justin sang the acoustic version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow and I wanted to listen to it again and again and again; the flower girl and the ring bearers? Ah--my heart. I thought it might burst.

And then? They were married and they whooped it up from the front and made their way to the back.

And about that time, the sky opened up again and the rain began. We all flew into gear, moving the reception into the All-Purpose Room in the little elementary school. And though the reception wasn't quite what Savana planned, it was joy-filled and beautiful and perfect, all the same.

Because really...it's all about the couple. The un-decorated walls lined with school supplies? That's just stuff. Being surrounded by our family and friends? That's what matters. And clearly none of them cared about the pounding rain that pummeled the photo-lined tables covered in white linen.

Savana Jalei Seals is now Savana Jalei Williams.

She's married to her soulmate--to the love of her life.

And what a beautiful couple these two make.

But in my mind? Well...

...she'll always be my little girl.

She'll always be that adorable baby with a big grin, dimpled hands, and eyes that light up a room.