Anyway

Sometimes life is messy.

Sometimes people say and do really mean things that are undeserved.

And sometimes I say and do really mean things that are undeserved.

The past few months have been difficult at best. They have been filled with angry words and assumptions and over-analyzations and a lot of dark moments. The past few months have tested my ability to stay balanced emotionally and physically with so many unknowns and so many inflicted hurts.

So many days of crying, so many what ifs...

But it's over.

Thank God it's over.

The other day, I found myself reeling. Again. It had to do with Savana's wedding and people I thought were friends and words that were left unsaid, and once again, those repetitive tracks played in my mind over and over and over again. I found myself spending far too much time doing mindless things--you know, perusing Facebook, analyzing who "liked" certain pictures and who didn't, playing games on my phone--those things that we do when escapism is better than reality.

I don't like that me.

That isn't who I am.

That is certainly who I don't want to be.

And so, I took myself for a walk, looked up at the blue sky against a mountain-filled backdrop, took a few deep breaths, and remembered why forgiveness is so important.

Because forgiveness? It has nothing to do with the act that created the pain and everything to do with whether or not I am going to be overcome with bitterness, spending my days reliving the pain and licking or my wounds...or I am going to choose freedom.

And folks, I'm choosing freedom.

I am so thankful for Jacque who has coached me through the past few months and helped me deal with the pain so that the pain doesn't become infused in my being and create a me that nobody likes, including myself.

I am so thankful for my family--my man, my kids, my sisters, my parents--who endure the worst of me and love me anyway.

I am so grateful for the girls I work with who have been a source of laughter and community when I needed it the most.

My life is enriched by my precious friend Kayla who has emailed me faithfully and encouraged me to get back up.

These past few months have shown me who my true friends are--the ones who have reached out, who have cared enough to stop by, to love when I may not have seemed available.

And....

I am grateful for what the past few months have taught me and that is this:

Being nice can be a whole lot different than being kind.

Above all?

     Be kind.

A Mother Teresa poem has haunted me the past few months. I say "haunted" because it has challenged me to go against the grain of what I inherently wanted to do. It goes like this:

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I am grateful for her words because they challenge me to be better, to get outside of my head and remember that sometimes, people do mean things. Sometimes people say mean things.

Sometimes I do too.

I am grateful for her words because they help me to remember that life is short and that I want my life to count for something beautiful that goes beyond my own selfish desires.

I want my life to be infused with kindness and forgiveness and love.

It may not be who I am right now...but it is my beacon.

And I will keep moving forward, one step at a time...

...anyway.